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The sound of loud thunder woke the once peacefully sleeping family. The screams of their friends and neighbors echo in the chilly October night,as flashes of red and yellow lite up the small cave in timing with the thunder only a few feet outside. The yelling of an alien tongue confusing the small child hiding behind his mother. Her blue scales glistening in the flashes of light,her white feathers a stark contrast against the scales of the large grey dragon walking past her.
"Stay here with Tarot," He turned his long neck ice blue eyes meeting her sterling, "I'll protect you,both of you." He nuzzled her neck,muscles bunching under scaled skin as he jumped from their small cave,his son running up behind him to watch,only being able to catch glimpses of him as the light reflected off his scales.
"Tarot, come here." she said as he watched for the lighting of grey scales in the darkness. He turned to his mother and trotted over cuddling up to her,keeping his eyes on the small opening in front of them. Lights flashed,thunder seemed to echo in the night,as the strange language continued to fight over the noise of the thunder. Tarot continud to watch the lights when suddenly everything came to a halt. Tarot lifted his head and perked up his ears. Nothing moved, nothing made a noise. He held his breathe as his mother stood up and walked towards the cave entrance.
"Stay here." She advised and slowly walked out,looking back at him one last time before disapearing like his father.
Sniffing the air and swiveling her ears around,nothing moved as she made her way to the center of the seemingly finished battle,the bodies of humans and dragons alike littering the ground. Tears formed in her eyes as she surveyed the area,but she didn't let them fall. She continued to check around the area and stopped,just feet away lay the body of her mate. His once beautiful blue feathers were torn and ripped,his face was smeared with dirt and blood,his cerulean orbs staring into oblivion. She slowly made her way to him,rubbing her nose on his neck,as the tears she'd been holding fell like rain from her silver eyes. His body was still slightly warm as she lifted her head,the sound of a click making her whip around,to late, as a rocket whizzed through the air exploding on contact with her chest.
The explosions force threw her limp body into a tree,lighting a fire as her burning feathers smacked into the dry bark. The fire began consuming the trees and bodies in the small clearing around it. Burning everything in its path as it made its way to the small cave, flames licking at the small shrubs and bushes and engulfing them on it's journey there.
The small dragon ran to the opening of his samll home,the fire reflecting off of his green scales as he ran from the cave. Small brown feathers whipping in the wind and smoke as he squinted his glowing blue orbs in search of an escape. His eyes began to water as the smoke burned them,even through his tears he spotted a break in the flames. Taking a chance he dashed forward being trapped in at the last minute.
Coughing and bringing his head lower to the ground,he continued his search, trying to see through the haze was becoming harder,everything becoming a smudge of grey and red. A loud crack sounded behind him as a large tree came crashing down,smacking the earth and dispersing the smoke long enough to spot a break in the flames. Running as fast as he could, his feet carried him throug the small opening,fire biting at his tail.
The tears in his eyes fell,no longer caused by the smoke,as he continued running without looking back. The smoke starting to become thinner as he ran farther away from the only place he had known. The trees around him became more spread out as he made his way to the meadow ahead. Slowing down his pace to a fast walk,he continued on as the tears made lines through the dirt and ash smeared on his face.
A sudden pain shot up his leg as the sound of thunder ripped through the silence. Metallic rings followed as small peices of metal fell to the ground. The sound seemed to echo in his ears as he turned around to face the source of noise.
He found himself face to face with a large human man,the metal object clutched in his hand shaking as the blood from a bite wound dripped onto the ground,he slowly reached behind him and grabbed a metal case,it clinked as he inserted it into the machine,it's black surface shining in the growing light,and the mans knuckles began turning white as he held the object tighter.
All he could do was stare,as the man lifted the machine to his face,he was paralyzed. Everything seemed to slow down as he watched the muscles in the humans arms move under his creamy skin,moving one his fingers to push on a metal twig attached to the bottom of the machine. Pushing the twig back,the mans smile changed into scream as a large black mass flew in front of him,taking the man,machine and all into his mouth,while easily snapping the man's spine in half. The machine fell to the ground,metal clattering loudly in the new silence.
The large dragon tossed his head,sending the human's body flying into the forest. Walking forward as he made his way to Tarot,"Are you okay?" he asked, stopping to stand in front of him. His large mass seeming like a mountain to the young dragon.
Tarot nodded his head,looking up to meet jade green eyes,dark green markings glowing dimly as light began to fill the forest around them. His black features had few scars,and a large neclace hung around his neck. Silver chains,supporting a large white feather that faded to silver tips.
"Why don't you come with me?" The large dragon continued,"I'll keep you safe from now on. You can travel with me, when you get older." He smiled.
"Where?" Tarot asked his small voice hoarse after all the smoke,"Where would we go?" he inquired looking up to the dragon towering above him.
"To Valanor kid. And then after that we can talk." He laughed "What's your name anyway?" Tarot smiled at him and followed as he made his way to the meadow.
"Tarot, what's yours, sir?" He looked up expectantly at the other dragon,"Just Neheku, no sir needed!"
He started to hum as they made their way through the small meadow,yellow flowers littering the ground around them. A red and orange glow shined over everything as the sun began its accent.
Tarot and Neheku continued their journey forward,the sound of chains clinking together, put Tarot into a trance. Memories of times past floating through his mind,and visions of a white hawk flying,telling tales of a key, and a new destiny.
All Rights Reserved (c) 2011 MoonDance-Wolf
"Stay here with Tarot," He turned his long neck ice blue eyes meeting her sterling, "I'll protect you,both of you." He nuzzled her neck,muscles bunching under scaled skin as he jumped from their small cave,his son running up behind him to watch,only being able to catch glimpses of him as the light reflected off his scales.
"Tarot, come here." she said as he watched for the lighting of grey scales in the darkness. He turned to his mother and trotted over cuddling up to her,keeping his eyes on the small opening in front of them. Lights flashed,thunder seemed to echo in the night,as the strange language continued to fight over the noise of the thunder. Tarot continud to watch the lights when suddenly everything came to a halt. Tarot lifted his head and perked up his ears. Nothing moved, nothing made a noise. He held his breathe as his mother stood up and walked towards the cave entrance.
"Stay here." She advised and slowly walked out,looking back at him one last time before disapearing like his father.
Sniffing the air and swiveling her ears around,nothing moved as she made her way to the center of the seemingly finished battle,the bodies of humans and dragons alike littering the ground. Tears formed in her eyes as she surveyed the area,but she didn't let them fall. She continued to check around the area and stopped,just feet away lay the body of her mate. His once beautiful blue feathers were torn and ripped,his face was smeared with dirt and blood,his cerulean orbs staring into oblivion. She slowly made her way to him,rubbing her nose on his neck,as the tears she'd been holding fell like rain from her silver eyes. His body was still slightly warm as she lifted her head,the sound of a click making her whip around,to late, as a rocket whizzed through the air exploding on contact with her chest.
The explosions force threw her limp body into a tree,lighting a fire as her burning feathers smacked into the dry bark. The fire began consuming the trees and bodies in the small clearing around it. Burning everything in its path as it made its way to the small cave, flames licking at the small shrubs and bushes and engulfing them on it's journey there.
The small dragon ran to the opening of his samll home,the fire reflecting off of his green scales as he ran from the cave. Small brown feathers whipping in the wind and smoke as he squinted his glowing blue orbs in search of an escape. His eyes began to water as the smoke burned them,even through his tears he spotted a break in the flames. Taking a chance he dashed forward being trapped in at the last minute.
Coughing and bringing his head lower to the ground,he continued his search, trying to see through the haze was becoming harder,everything becoming a smudge of grey and red. A loud crack sounded behind him as a large tree came crashing down,smacking the earth and dispersing the smoke long enough to spot a break in the flames. Running as fast as he could, his feet carried him throug the small opening,fire biting at his tail.
The tears in his eyes fell,no longer caused by the smoke,as he continued running without looking back. The smoke starting to become thinner as he ran farther away from the only place he had known. The trees around him became more spread out as he made his way to the meadow ahead. Slowing down his pace to a fast walk,he continued on as the tears made lines through the dirt and ash smeared on his face.
A sudden pain shot up his leg as the sound of thunder ripped through the silence. Metallic rings followed as small peices of metal fell to the ground. The sound seemed to echo in his ears as he turned around to face the source of noise.
He found himself face to face with a large human man,the metal object clutched in his hand shaking as the blood from a bite wound dripped onto the ground,he slowly reached behind him and grabbed a metal case,it clinked as he inserted it into the machine,it's black surface shining in the growing light,and the mans knuckles began turning white as he held the object tighter.
All he could do was stare,as the man lifted the machine to his face,he was paralyzed. Everything seemed to slow down as he watched the muscles in the humans arms move under his creamy skin,moving one his fingers to push on a metal twig attached to the bottom of the machine. Pushing the twig back,the mans smile changed into scream as a large black mass flew in front of him,taking the man,machine and all into his mouth,while easily snapping the man's spine in half. The machine fell to the ground,metal clattering loudly in the new silence.
The large dragon tossed his head,sending the human's body flying into the forest. Walking forward as he made his way to Tarot,"Are you okay?" he asked, stopping to stand in front of him. His large mass seeming like a mountain to the young dragon.
Tarot nodded his head,looking up to meet jade green eyes,dark green markings glowing dimly as light began to fill the forest around them. His black features had few scars,and a large neclace hung around his neck. Silver chains,supporting a large white feather that faded to silver tips.
"Why don't you come with me?" The large dragon continued,"I'll keep you safe from now on. You can travel with me, when you get older." He smiled.
"Where?" Tarot asked his small voice hoarse after all the smoke,"Where would we go?" he inquired looking up to the dragon towering above him.
"To Valanor kid. And then after that we can talk." He laughed "What's your name anyway?" Tarot smiled at him and followed as he made his way to the meadow.
"Tarot, what's yours, sir?" He looked up expectantly at the other dragon,"Just Neheku, no sir needed!"
He started to hum as they made their way through the small meadow,yellow flowers littering the ground around them. A red and orange glow shined over everything as the sun began its accent.
Tarot and Neheku continued their journey forward,the sound of chains clinking together, put Tarot into a trance. Memories of times past floating through his mind,and visions of a white hawk flying,telling tales of a key, and a new destiny.
All Rights Reserved (c) 2011 MoonDance-Wolf
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So just need some help to see what I could do to enhance my writing and any critique is helpful!
The story chapters will be in first person unlike this though.
ideas, characters and story (c) me
1) I'm clumping things together right... How bad is it?
2) Is it to slow or fast paced?
3) Do my discriptions sound okay?
4) Is it believable?
5) Is there anything I should change to better the story?
The story chapters will be in first person unlike this though.
ideas, characters and story (c) me
1) I'm clumping things together right... How bad is it?
2) Is it to slow or fast paced?
3) Do my discriptions sound okay?
4) Is it believable?
5) Is there anything I should change to better the story?
© 2011 - 2024 Moondance-Wolf
Comments14
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Hello, from #PowerfulWriting Sorry it's taken so long to get you a critique, we've been swamped! Aaanyways...
1) I'm sorry I don't know what you mean by clumping.
2) The pace seems to fluctuate a little bit. It's not bad, though. I don't think it ever gets too fast or too slow.
3) Your descriptions are pretty good, but I'm sure you can do better
4) (Prepare yourself for my hippie-like speak) It makes pretty good sense. That fact that it seems to be fantasy-like gives you a lot of leeway with that, though. There are parts of this that could be improved, though. I'll go into that in a moment. But you should shoot to get such a good story, and get the reader so in to it that even if something (whether it be an emotional aspect or what have you) isn't entirely accurate, they won't really notice. It's call the willing suspension of disbelief, something that you see a lot in movies.
5) There is room for improvement. There's always room for improvement ^_^
I would like to address some grammar/spelling mistakes that stood out to me. In the second sentence, you misspelled 'light'. In the third sentence 'confusing' should probably be 'confused'. Some of your commas don't look to be spaced correctly (i.e. a space before the comma or no space after the comma). I don't want this to get too long, so I'll just say that you should definitely re-read this and look for any sort of grammar or spelling mistake, because there were a few more.
When you describe things, using adjectives is perfectly fine, but you shouldn't do that all the time. Rather than telling the reader, trying showing them. For example, in the first sentence 'The sound of loud thunder woke the once peacefully sleeping family.' you could add so much more drama and impact to this. Describe what the thunder with comparisons like similes or metaphors. You could even go so far as to start with just describing the peacefulness of the family. Don't go into appearances right of the bat, but tell me how many members are this this family, how are they peaceful? Things like that.
I said I'd go into that whole 'does it make sense' thing, which I shall do now. I want more. I want to know more about the characters, more about how they're feeling. Realistically, this would be a very chaotic scene. This family, waking up and not understanding what was happening. Fell free to write it chaotically. Random explosions, strange aliens, mass hysteria! Show me how they feel! Talk about facial expressions, all that jazz.
That's all I got. Hope it helped ^_^
Sorry it's taken so long to get you a critique, we've been swamped! Aaanyways...1) I'm sorry I don't know what you mean by clumping.
2) The pace seems to fluctuate a little bit. It's not bad, though. I don't think it ever gets too fast or too slow.
3) Your descriptions are pretty good, but I'm sure you can do better
4) (Prepare yourself for my hippie-like speak) It makes pretty good sense. That fact that it seems to be fantasy-like gives you a lot of leeway with that, though. There are parts of this that could be improved, though. I'll go into that in a moment. But you should shoot to get such a good story, and get the reader so in to it that even if something (whether it be an emotional aspect or what have you) isn't entirely accurate, they won't really notice. It's call the willing suspension of disbelief, something that you see a lot in movies.
5) There is room for improvement. There's always room for improvement ^_^
I would like to address some grammar/spelling mistakes that stood out to me. In the second sentence, you misspelled 'light'. In the third sentence 'confusing' should probably be 'confused'. Some of your commas don't look to be spaced correctly (i.e. a space before the comma or no space after the comma). I don't want this to get too long, so I'll just say that you should definitely re-read this and look for any sort of grammar or spelling mistake, because there were a few more.
When you describe things, using adjectives is perfectly fine, but you shouldn't do that all the time. Rather than telling the reader, trying showing them. For example, in the first sentence 'The sound of loud thunder woke the once peacefully sleeping family.' you could add so much more drama and impact to this. Describe what the thunder with comparisons like similes or metaphors. You could even go so far as to start with just describing the peacefulness of the family. Don't go into appearances right of the bat, but tell me how many members are this this family, how are they peaceful? Things like that.
I said I'd go into that whole 'does it make sense' thing, which I shall do now.
I want more. I want to know more about the characters, more about how they're feeling. Realistically, this would be a very chaotic scene. This family, waking up and not understanding what was happening. Fell free to write it chaotically. Random explosions, strange aliens, mass hysteria! Show me how they feel! Talk about facial expressions, all that jazz. That's all I got. Hope it helped ^_^